I was in the high street shopping with my wife recently when in the distance I heard a distinct “doompf, doompf, doompf” sound emanating from what appeared to be an almost unrecognizable Citroen Saxo containing four pasty faced youths. I observed this badly modified Saxo and its unpleasant cargo driving around and around the area and cropping up on different streets throughout the day. Did they not have anything better to do? Then it occurred to me that, of course they don’t and I was watching exactly what they and people like them do all day; drive around town in ridiculous cars annoying everyone.
So with that in mind we decided to find out what the checklist should be for any budding ASBO car driver and the top 10 ASBO cars “driving” on the streets of the UK today:
ASBO car driver’s essential checklist:
Of course they need a current ASBO in force (or must at least tell everyone they have)
They obviously need a car and the ASBO car must have been registered in the mid to late nineties and must have cost the new owner many times more than it’s worth (or have been stolen).
The ASBO car must always have a sound system which can distort music to such an extent that the drivers’ hearing becomes quickly impaired.
The ASBO car must have been modified with a multitude of inappropriate bolt-ons, such as a massive cherry bomb exhaust, neon lights which make the car look like a travelling bordello, ridiculous wheels and inappropriate car badges (i.e. GTI on an S model).
It must always have a dodgy paint job which displays multiple brushstrokes and bristles.
The ASBO car must have no insurance and a moody or non-existent tax disk
It must have several and various burn holes in the passenger and rear seats from carless spiff management, contain multiple discarded fast food wrappers in the foot wells, mouldy food under one of the seats and carry various drug paraphernalia in the glove box.
All ASBO drivers must have a fascinating skin condition
The ASBO car must be adorned with multiple stickers that seek to give the impression that the car goes faster than it actually does.
For the more discerning ASBO driver a sun strip which says “boss + slave” or “whale oil beef hooked” and an expired air freshener.
The ASBO vehicle must be heavily accessorized with gigantic gear stick knobs and fluffy dice.
The ASBO car’s boot must contain the vital pre-requisites of a collection of stolen car audio equipment, petrol siphoning kit, clobber (for flitting around girlfriends houses) and stolen contraband (CD’sDVD’s fake designer gear etc)
The ASBO car driver himself must, of course wear a hooded top, lots of cheap tom (jewellery) piercings and tattoos you can’t see (not brave enough to display them).
The ASBO car driver’s pasty faced girlfriend must have over applied makeup, four big looped earrings in each ear and sport a Croydon facelift.
For the ASBO car drivers listening pleasure (and everyone else’s disdain) there will be a selection of gangsta rap CD’s
Of course a vital ingredient, without which our ASBO driver would not be able to function is an ultra thick skin so they don’t care what every other road user thinks of them.
When re-grouping ASBO car drivers must congregate in town centre car parks and consume cheap largercideralcopops and become gradually more abusive as the evening wears on.
Finally ASBO drivers from coastal towns must have all of the above but their main areas of operation will be the sea front and they must carry a minimum of six passengers in a four seater car.
Be prepared to see more of these complete and utter charmers in a town centre near you and make sure that they conform to the ASBO driver checklist or you can tell them from us they’re fakers (on second thoughts maybe not)
The MTI top 10 ASBO cars…
ASBO top 10
|Pos||Asbo Car||Make and Model|
|10||Toyota Yaris (it's been nicked)|